Evil Twin TheoryTuesday, November 04, 2003
I deserve to be ignored. I haven't blogged in like two months and now I return. Am I triumphant? Nope, just bored. Here is the situation in brief. My girlfriend moved out twice, once to Wisconsin, that lasted a week and once to Baltimore where she has been for a month or so. In between she lived with me.
MA and I have been hot and cold, hot and cold, off and on, on and off. We are now settled into luke warm indifference. She doesn't really dig me after all I don't think. She only likes the abstract concept, but me in the flesh? Not so much. So the end is probably near with her. I could push and prod constantly. Do my patented 'Ain't I charming and funny' stand up routine 24-7. I could win her like that. But only so long as I kept it up. The second I relax and revert to my normal relatively low key, we all have to practice autonomy habits, she loses interest. In short any relationship with MA is going to involve me doing all the work. I don't think I'll be satisfied with that.
I'm used to being adored. I'm used to having a women who strives to please me. I'm not going to get un-used to that anytime soon. Nor do I want to. So I guess MA and I will fade. A shame really as I could have made her happy, but she doesn't want to be happy. She doesn't know what she wants , except that she wants a boss. That explains why she is so receptive to pushiness and romantically motivated aggression.
I want to be happy. It's going on eight months of depression now, more or less. That's too long. I'm not happy at home usually as it is lonely. Not happy at work for much the same reason. I'm not even happy driving to or from work. I hope I get hit by a bus soon or something. This sucks.
More later perhaps
MA and I have been hot and cold, hot and cold, off and on, on and off. We are now settled into luke warm indifference. She doesn't really dig me after all I don't think. She only likes the abstract concept, but me in the flesh? Not so much. So the end is probably near with her. I could push and prod constantly. Do my patented 'Ain't I charming and funny' stand up routine 24-7. I could win her like that. But only so long as I kept it up. The second I relax and revert to my normal relatively low key, we all have to practice autonomy habits, she loses interest. In short any relationship with MA is going to involve me doing all the work. I don't think I'll be satisfied with that.
I'm used to being adored. I'm used to having a women who strives to please me. I'm not going to get un-used to that anytime soon. Nor do I want to. So I guess MA and I will fade. A shame really as I could have made her happy, but she doesn't want to be happy. She doesn't know what she wants , except that she wants a boss. That explains why she is so receptive to pushiness and romantically motivated aggression.
I want to be happy. It's going on eight months of depression now, more or less. That's too long. I'm not happy at home usually as it is lonely. Not happy at work for much the same reason. I'm not even happy driving to or from work. I hope I get hit by a bus soon or something. This sucks.
More later perhaps
