Evil Twin Theory

Nothing to no one


So this is your warning. what follows is going to be a trivial and possibly depressing post by a trivial and depressed person. If you're looking for some kind of wisdom or humor or a sharp observation on what it means to be human, I suggest you consult Bartlett's book of quoatations, you certainly won't find it here.

I'm depressed. This is me being depressed writing about depression and on and on and on.

I deserve to be ignored. I haven't blogged in like two months and now I return. Am I triumphant? Nope, just bored. Here is the situation in brief. My girlfriend moved out twice, once to Wisconsin, that lasted a week and once to Baltimore where she has been for a month or so. In between she lived with me.

MA and I have been hot and cold, hot and cold, off and on, on and off. We are now settled into luke warm indifference. She doesn't really dig me after all I don't think. She only likes the abstract concept, but me in the flesh? Not so much. So the end is probably near with her. I could push and prod constantly. Do my patented 'Ain't I charming and funny' stand up routine 24-7. I could win her like that. But only so long as I kept it up. The second I relax and revert to my normal relatively low key, we all have to practice autonomy habits, she loses interest. In short any relationship with MA is going to involve me doing all the work. I don't think I'll be satisfied with that.

I'm used to being adored. I'm used to having a women who strives to please me. I'm not going to get un-used to that anytime soon. Nor do I want to. So I guess MA and I will fade. A shame really as I could have made her happy, but she doesn't want to be happy. She doesn't know what she wants , except that she wants a boss. That explains why she is so receptive to pushiness and romantically motivated aggression.

I want to be happy. It's going on eight months of depression now, more or less. That's too long. I'm not happy at home usually as it is lonely. Not happy at work for much the same reason. I'm not even happy driving to or from work. I hope I get hit by a bus soon or something. This sucks.

More later perhaps

SO THE GF WROTE ME AN EMAIL ASKING ME TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYMORE 'LIES OF OMISSION.' 'No problem,' I wrote back. I've moved way beyond lies of omission these days. I'm telling outright whoppers now. all to get what I want though. They're not just random lies. So at least their lies with a purpose right? doesn't that make them A-OK?

MA is busy Today so I haven't interacted with her much. Also her daughter is here for half a day so even when we have chatted its been filtered and careful. I can see she still wants me though. That's good too. That's according to plan. As long as she still loves me it is all Ok. No matter the cost I guess. I don't seem to have any long winded riff on my sins and selfishness ready today so I'll leave you, Gentle Reader, in peace for the moment

SO MA IS IN LOVE WITH ME. She is actually in love with me. she says she loves me repeatedly. "What did just you say?," I ask. "I said I love you," she replies. She wants to pursue a relationship with me , but ( get this) she doesn't mind if the GF is not out of the picture imediately. What gives? I beleive the love/lust part. I put the time in after all. I poured on the charm and the attention and the witty reparte. Her feelings are clearly a product of these effortd on my part. What I don't get is her willingness to be my mistress essentially. How do these things work in europe, I wonder. Are mistresses just A-Ok over there? Or does she just want whatever benefits there are ( the sex, the attention, the charm, the humor, the fact that we can be a powerful team here at work) without the responsibilities( I'm scatter-brained and a loner and shy and nervous and sensitive and on and on)

Or is it real? We want to be together. We have obstacles. We need to wrok through them without damaging too much else in out life. what is it?

The GF has been very sweet of late. She seems releived not to be moving, relieved we are not breaking up. She doesn't ask too many questions. Maybe she wants me to have a mistress too. Maybe she wants to stay together and is simply willing to let me stray if I don't stray too far.

What am I doing?

MA IS GOING CRAZY NOW. She has been extremely horny all day today. I helped her set up a power point presentation earlier and I barely escaped her office with my clothes. I don't know what it is about her, why she runs in these hot and cold cycles. I much prefer the hot cycles though. She is so much fun when she's horny. She has pressed me into various nook and crannies around the U for a quick grope on a couple of occasions today. It's nice to be wanted. I can just relax a bit now and let her chase me.

She has said she loves me about ten times today. She loves me for this and that, for the way I dress, for being funny, for the way I eat my rubber chicken lunches ( if you work for any kind of institution you'll know what I mean). I think she even loves my man breasts. I predicted this too. I knew that she'd turn the corner. I could tell by the spark in her eyes the when we first started liking each other. The poor girl is doomed. I must really be a charmer one on one. not good with crowds Not good with strangers. But put me one on one with a person I know, I guess I can hold my own.


What am I saying? I'm doomed too. It's not like the GF is going to accept this. not like she won't find out. Not like MA won't be upset when the GF doesn't move out as planned. I really am doomed. At least I'll have an active romnatic life. At least I know I still have 'it.' At least I'm not all alone.

YUP, MY PLAN IS STILL BASED ON PURE DECEIT. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sustain it for long. Lying is very tiring and a lot of trouble for me to do well. Lies don't just spring unbidden to my lips. It takes a bit of concentration on my part to summon up a really good one. But that is what i'm going to do. If I want MA and LF both to love me that is what i'll have to do. Also, it is the only way to sustain an intiment relationship with them both. This situation is of course highly unstable. I give it a week. For Today, and tomorrow for that matter, it will all be ok. All of our schedules will work out. I can hug up with MA a bit, go home to the GF, it's all good.

I'm going striaght to Hell. Stand back, Gentle Reader, express train straight to Hell coming through.

Do you think they make relatively safe coma pill? Could I put myself into a coma for a breif period of time - say four or five months? I'd wake up and this would all be over.

MA just stopped by all hot and bothered. She'd been missing me in every sense of the word apparently. We went over to the caf to get a bottle of water and she led me to this dark corner to make out in. It was a thrill, of course, but it also made me very nervous. On the way back and forth I gave her a pep talk, made her giggle, and even charmed her a bit. She should be set for the day. I'll call the GF after I calm down and do the same for her. Maybe I can get good at this.

Maybe I've got the wrong perspective on this. Think how lucky I am. I've got the adoration of two smart funny and attractive females. I've caught two good catches.

I really am going straight to hell aren't I?

I'VE REACHED ALL NEW LOWS! I'M LOWER THEN POND SCUM! Just when you thought I couldn't get any worse, just when you figured I'd done all I could do, I went and changed it all up again. I unbroke up with the GF on Saturday. I couldn't take it. I cracked. I still love and want her. No way around it. MA is somewhat on the decline in my eyes for a number of reasons. She is down but not out. So now I have to begin a new web of lies. No more honesty for me in this situation. I'll need to lie to everyone to maintain the GF and MA. It will be worth it. I need them both. I want them both. I may even love them both. That's not impossible is it?

To demonstrate how much I suck I should tell you a bit about my weekend. Friday, MA and I repeated last Friday's office floor encounter. It was weird. The first time was nice and warm. The second time was just strange, uncomfortable and ultimately unsatisfiying. There really is more to sex then just the physical. So we're walking out to our cars and who apprears but the GF. She is not happy. She does a bit of screaming and crying. MA flees, quite sensibly. The GF and I argue in the parking lot for an hour but I finally get her home.
We argue more or less all night. But, and get this folks, she still wants to sleep with me. She still wants to be my GF for the week we have left. So I oblige.

I wake up Saturday depressed anxious and half crazed. What's the matter with me? I have to work for a half day. I call MA from work, apologize, calm her a bit and charm her a bit. I go home and argue with the GF and finally, late Saturday night we 'un break up' I promise to stop seeing MA. In the moment, of course, I mean it. The GF is beautiful, smart and loves me with all her heart. MA doesn't. Who would you pick?

Well Today, I've decided not to stop seeing MA, to lie to the GF and to lie to MA about the whole thing. Pretty clever. Pretty tricky. Pretty stupid, but that is the beginning and end of my plan. I'll let you know how it works out and when, how and why it explodes in my face.

I can't even keep up the front of the evil twin anymore. There is no good twin. It's just me and I'm evil. Not even the grandiose take over the world kind of evil either. I'm just a small petty and stupid evil person. And I cheat. And I lie. Not such good bullet points for my romantic resume.

STATUS: Depressed

SO THE END IS NEAR. L is leaving me. She's going to move across country, back to her home town. She'll be gone. She's packing up stuff even now. She quite her job. I really did it. MA is fast and furious. She really is starting to fall for me or maybe has fallen for me. I'm living in two radically different emotional spaces now. Broken hearted and hopeful. Pretty silly.

I went to a U function today recognizing new faculty. My new contract makes me faculty and is non-expiring which means basically I can work here for the rest of my life barring fiscal disaster and that I can am a legitimate U instructor. The point is that it felt good to be recognized, not as some bozo that hangs around the campus, but as a member of the 'community of scholars.' Also MA was there and she made a big deal of it which didn't hurt any either. So I'm part of the team now, not a full fledge member of course, you need a PHd for that, I'll get there . . .

Also my office space is getting better. I finally got some art work on the wall. A set of old ads, and this Warholesque trio of monkey pictures. Pretty cool. I guess I should be feeling pretty good about this stuff. I do in the back of my mind, but in the front I'm aware of the wreck I'm making of my life. I'm fully aware certainly.


Oh well, I've whined for long enough. TTYL, Gentle Reader