Evil Twin Theory

SO THE GF WROTE ME AN EMAIL ASKING ME TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYMORE 'LIES OF OMISSION.' 'No problem,' I wrote back. I've moved way beyond lies of omission these days. I'm telling outright whoppers now. all to get what I want though. They're not just random lies. So at least their lies with a purpose right? doesn't that make them A-OK?

MA is busy Today so I haven't interacted with her much. Also her daughter is here for half a day so even when we have chatted its been filtered and careful. I can see she still wants me though. That's good too. That's according to plan. As long as she still loves me it is all Ok. No matter the cost I guess. I don't seem to have any long winded riff on my sins and selfishness ready today so I'll leave you, Gentle Reader, in peace for the moment

SO MA IS IN LOVE WITH ME. She is actually in love with me. she says she loves me repeatedly. "What did just you say?," I ask. "I said I love you," she replies. She wants to pursue a relationship with me , but ( get this) she doesn't mind if the GF is not out of the picture imediately. What gives? I beleive the love/lust part. I put the time in after all. I poured on the charm and the attention and the witty reparte. Her feelings are clearly a product of these effortd on my part. What I don't get is her willingness to be my mistress essentially. How do these things work in europe, I wonder. Are mistresses just A-Ok over there? Or does she just want whatever benefits there are ( the sex, the attention, the charm, the humor, the fact that we can be a powerful team here at work) without the responsibilities( I'm scatter-brained and a loner and shy and nervous and sensitive and on and on)

Or is it real? We want to be together. We have obstacles. We need to wrok through them without damaging too much else in out life. what is it?

The GF has been very sweet of late. She seems releived not to be moving, relieved we are not breaking up. She doesn't ask too many questions. Maybe she wants me to have a mistress too. Maybe she wants to stay together and is simply willing to let me stray if I don't stray too far.

What am I doing?

MA IS GOING CRAZY NOW. She has been extremely horny all day today. I helped her set up a power point presentation earlier and I barely escaped her office with my clothes. I don't know what it is about her, why she runs in these hot and cold cycles. I much prefer the hot cycles though. She is so much fun when she's horny. She has pressed me into various nook and crannies around the U for a quick grope on a couple of occasions today. It's nice to be wanted. I can just relax a bit now and let her chase me.

She has said she loves me about ten times today. She loves me for this and that, for the way I dress, for being funny, for the way I eat my rubber chicken lunches ( if you work for any kind of institution you'll know what I mean). I think she even loves my man breasts. I predicted this too. I knew that she'd turn the corner. I could tell by the spark in her eyes the when we first started liking each other. The poor girl is doomed. I must really be a charmer one on one. not good with crowds Not good with strangers. But put me one on one with a person I know, I guess I can hold my own.


What am I saying? I'm doomed too. It's not like the GF is going to accept this. not like she won't find out. Not like MA won't be upset when the GF doesn't move out as planned. I really am doomed. At least I'll have an active romnatic life. At least I know I still have 'it.' At least I'm not all alone.

YUP, MY PLAN IS STILL BASED ON PURE DECEIT. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sustain it for long. Lying is very tiring and a lot of trouble for me to do well. Lies don't just spring unbidden to my lips. It takes a bit of concentration on my part to summon up a really good one. But that is what i'm going to do. If I want MA and LF both to love me that is what i'll have to do. Also, it is the only way to sustain an intiment relationship with them both. This situation is of course highly unstable. I give it a week. For Today, and tomorrow for that matter, it will all be ok. All of our schedules will work out. I can hug up with MA a bit, go home to the GF, it's all good.

I'm going striaght to Hell. Stand back, Gentle Reader, express train straight to Hell coming through.

Do you think they make relatively safe coma pill? Could I put myself into a coma for a breif period of time - say four or five months? I'd wake up and this would all be over.

MA just stopped by all hot and bothered. She'd been missing me in every sense of the word apparently. We went over to the caf to get a bottle of water and she led me to this dark corner to make out in. It was a thrill, of course, but it also made me very nervous. On the way back and forth I gave her a pep talk, made her giggle, and even charmed her a bit. She should be set for the day. I'll call the GF after I calm down and do the same for her. Maybe I can get good at this.

Maybe I've got the wrong perspective on this. Think how lucky I am. I've got the adoration of two smart funny and attractive females. I've caught two good catches.

I really am going straight to hell aren't I?

I'VE REACHED ALL NEW LOWS! I'M LOWER THEN POND SCUM! Just when you thought I couldn't get any worse, just when you figured I'd done all I could do, I went and changed it all up again. I unbroke up with the GF on Saturday. I couldn't take it. I cracked. I still love and want her. No way around it. MA is somewhat on the decline in my eyes for a number of reasons. She is down but not out. So now I have to begin a new web of lies. No more honesty for me in this situation. I'll need to lie to everyone to maintain the GF and MA. It will be worth it. I need them both. I want them both. I may even love them both. That's not impossible is it?

To demonstrate how much I suck I should tell you a bit about my weekend. Friday, MA and I repeated last Friday's office floor encounter. It was weird. The first time was nice and warm. The second time was just strange, uncomfortable and ultimately unsatisfiying. There really is more to sex then just the physical. So we're walking out to our cars and who apprears but the GF. She is not happy. She does a bit of screaming and crying. MA flees, quite sensibly. The GF and I argue in the parking lot for an hour but I finally get her home.
We argue more or less all night. But, and get this folks, she still wants to sleep with me. She still wants to be my GF for the week we have left. So I oblige.

I wake up Saturday depressed anxious and half crazed. What's the matter with me? I have to work for a half day. I call MA from work, apologize, calm her a bit and charm her a bit. I go home and argue with the GF and finally, late Saturday night we 'un break up' I promise to stop seeing MA. In the moment, of course, I mean it. The GF is beautiful, smart and loves me with all her heart. MA doesn't. Who would you pick?

Well Today, I've decided not to stop seeing MA, to lie to the GF and to lie to MA about the whole thing. Pretty clever. Pretty tricky. Pretty stupid, but that is the beginning and end of my plan. I'll let you know how it works out and when, how and why it explodes in my face.

I can't even keep up the front of the evil twin anymore. There is no good twin. It's just me and I'm evil. Not even the grandiose take over the world kind of evil either. I'm just a small petty and stupid evil person. And I cheat. And I lie. Not such good bullet points for my romantic resume.

STATUS: Depressed

SO THE END IS NEAR. L is leaving me. She's going to move across country, back to her home town. She'll be gone. She's packing up stuff even now. She quite her job. I really did it. MA is fast and furious. She really is starting to fall for me or maybe has fallen for me. I'm living in two radically different emotional spaces now. Broken hearted and hopeful. Pretty silly.

I went to a U function today recognizing new faculty. My new contract makes me faculty and is non-expiring which means basically I can work here for the rest of my life barring fiscal disaster and that I can am a legitimate U instructor. The point is that it felt good to be recognized, not as some bozo that hangs around the campus, but as a member of the 'community of scholars.' Also MA was there and she made a big deal of it which didn't hurt any either. So I'm part of the team now, not a full fledge member of course, you need a PHd for that, I'll get there . . .

Also my office space is getting better. I finally got some art work on the wall. A set of old ads, and this Warholesque trio of monkey pictures. Pretty cool. I guess I should be feeling pretty good about this stuff. I do in the back of my mind, but in the front I'm aware of the wreck I'm making of my life. I'm fully aware certainly.


Oh well, I've whined for long enough. TTYL, Gentle Reader

STATUS: depressed and isolated

Talked to the GF this afternoon. I guess I'll have to come up with a new name for her as this is the first time I've spoke with her in nearly seven years where she didn't sound like my girlfriend. I'm alone in my office now. There isn't a soul around. I could hang myself right now and have confidence ( so long as I turned down the lights in my office) that i would not be found until the cleaning crew stopped by in the morning. The thing is I sort of like the cleaning folks and so i'm unsure that I'd want them to find me like that. Actually I'm joking. Not that he joke is funny mind you. I've realized now that what I'm doing is really a sort of abstracted suicide. I'm not going to harm my body, but my mind and my heart ( the metaphoric one) are fair game.

I only wish I were sure how much damage I have to do to myself before I begin my upswing. I've been here before, Gentle Reader. My adult life has been one long series of self destructive episodes, followed by energetic ( and occasionally inspired) reconstructive episodes to the point that I actually improve my relative positon with respect to where I was before I took a sledge hammer to everything good and healthy in my life. S I do have something to look forward to. If things go as usual at some point I'm going to be chock full of energy again. I'll look around and begin to do things right again. I 'll make good moves. I'll assemble a cadre of new ffiends and compatriots. I'll maybe even be a mover and a shaker. I'm in a better position now, then ever before to improve my station professionally. personally its pretty much a wash. I'll never do better then my Ex GF. Never have anyone love my as deeply. Never feel that safe again. never never never.

Why do I do these things?

STATUS: Depressed and worried

THINGS ARE MOVING FASTER NOW. My GF and I are definitly breaking up. She has had enough of my nonsense and I've thoroughly broken her heart. My whole family is oging to hate. Her family is going to hate me. I'm going to be left alone. I'm such a seld destructive idiot I know all this and don't seem to care enough to head this train wreck, this ruination , off at the pass. Cruel and apathetic are probaby the two most accurate descriptors for my poersonality nd behavior of late. What has happened to me? Why am I acting like this? Why am I on the one hand so anxious and nervous and upset that I can't sit still and on the other hand so tired and indifferent that I can hardly stay awake. Shouldn't I be one or the other?

Things with MA and I are progressing more or less slowly. There is no where else fro us to go for a while now. I don't think I'm really and truly going to be equipped to begin (or sustain) a relationship with her. I'm probably going to ruin her life too, like I did with the GF. Somebody stop me. Where is a sniper when you need one?

I see the future. The GF will leave me . MA will leave me . Even my cats will leave me. I will be a lonely and pathetic old man on a park bench. I'll be dateless for the rest of my life and it will all, every bit of it, be my own doing. What in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I fix this? Why don't I do something right? Am I dreaming or hallucinating?

STATUS: MANIC & WOOZY

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT!

SO APPARENTLY MY MOVIE HAS STARTED, AND IT'S PORNO. You know the movie I mean, Gentle Reader. The one our lives are always on the verge of turning into. If your like me your life is constantly ( and very nearly seamlessly) turning from life into art and then back into life again. Not very good art mind you, but art none the less. Here is what I mean.

Friday I spent all day at this day long planning meeting thing away from campus. MA was in attendance as well. She had her station as an organizer and i mine as a participant so we didn't interact a lot during the official parts of the meeting but were able to hang out at breaks and all of that. We had planned to drive there together, but one of our bosses volunteered at the last minute to drive us the three us so we couldn't refuse of course. The drive up and back was actually fun. This particular boss is a nice guy and a good story teller away from work. We spent the whole trip up and back talking, laughing,bonding and racking up political points

Anyway since he drove and the meeting was long and involved MA and I didn't get any face time. When he dropped us off the strangest thing happened. my life turned into a pornographic movie and stayed that way into the wee hours of Saturday morning. two weeks in a row I've had these weird, perhaps even sleazy, encounters. Why, oh why didn't this happen when I was sixteen and could have really appreciated it.

At first MA was just going to get into her car and drive away, but I stopped her, literally as she started her engine. I got her to walk with me to my office, I had stuff to put way, and then back to my truck. Somewhere along the way one of us suggested ( I think it was her) that we have sex in one of our offices. I of course said this was a good idea. 'Are you serious," she said. I just smiled at her. The good thing about this encounter from my point of view is that she was the one who was driving it. As long as she initiates these things and is an active agent in the follow through I don't have to feel like I'm ruining her life ( or something like that)

Anyway, we decided that yes it would be a good idea to have sex. As we drove to buy protection ( Maybe my evil twin needs to stock up on contraceptives) we decided it wouldn't be a good idea. When we parked at the 7-11( I know how tacky this sounds) we decided that it would in fact be a good idea, the very best. We end up in her office and I'm thinking of last Saturday's train wreck at the econo lodge, so I tell her perhpa half heartedly that this is a very bad idea. She however has decided and so we have sex on the floor of her office. It all turned out OK this time. It felt intimate and tender. I was very relaxed. She was more than willing and it was her idea. She was the captain of her destiny. We parted in a warm cloud, the kind you are in after such sweet, tender encounters.

But my schedule was full for Friday. I went home and changed and caught a ride out to meet my brother and my GF on his boat, where we were (my brother, my GF and I) were to spend the weekend. I arrived at around ten and the three of us sat in the cabin drinking and talking into the wee hours of Saturday morning. Sometime after my brother went to bed, the GF and I decided to go swimming in the marina's pool/hot tub. The area was deserted except for us, it was dark, the marina is small and private, only a handful of boats docked at present so the GF and I did the obvious, we had this extended sexual congress in the pool, the hot tub, and even back to our 'cabin' ( really an enclosed 'V berth') on the boat. All the while, I’m thinking of how surreal this all is, how guilty I should feel ( I don't feel guilty, everyone has been warned at this point, everyone save MA's BF is in the loop), etc.

We woke early on Saturday and spent the day sunning at the pool. Why oh why didn't this happen to me when I was a teenager, when I could have enjoyed it unreservedly and talked about it in public.

The best part of all was coming to work today to find that MA hasn't back slid one inch over the weekend. If anything she is more passionate and interested in me then ever. She really is beautiful too. I love how she looks at me now. I love when she says she misses me ( and I believe it) when she says she is becoming invested in a relationship with me ( she is making exit plans for her BF). I feel in control. i have some power. Things are going to go well for me. ( that can't be right)

The weird part of all this is that I'm not sure which twin is operating when? presumably for the evil/good twin dichotomy to work there has to be a switching off of control. I know I do things which are good and and things which are evil but I don't necessarily feel conflict between the two impulses. Am I lost morally? Is it even a fair question? Is the evil twin just a device to allow me to act selfishly and stupidly and without regard for the feelings of other human beings? Is there really any difference from such a construct born of denial and a real live evil twin trapped inside my head. Am I at once the puppet and the puppeteer?

At bottom it doesn't matter. I'm relatively happy. I can ride the manic wave all the way till I get dumped into the sand and ground into the shore or whatever, you know what I mean till I become depressed again. probably around lunch time . . .

BTW. the woozy part of my status comes from the fact that after being on the boat all weekend I can still feel it rocking as I sit here at my desk fully a mile from the nearest navitabler body of water. I don't feel sick mind you. It's just that I can feel the sea swell of the wves beneath my office chair.

Status: Manic

WELL, MY EVIL TWIN HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN A WEB OF LIES, AND MY GOOD TWIN IS LEFT TO CLEAN UP. The GF saw some of the email exchanges between MA and I. This one, a reply from MA turning down a lunch offer, made me look pretty bad I think:

Thanks - but I'm ignoring you so that you can work on strengthening your commitment to your significant other - no lunches, walks, golf cart rides, hugs in the office, drinks, kisses in the rain, walks to class, movies about horses . . .

She was of course only being mean to me. Her 'ignoring me' lasted about five minutes and she now wants us to go out somewhere, anywhere. You can bet the GF didn't like this one bit, especially since it was from yesterday. So , any plan the dark one had made of saying this stuff as in the passed was for naught. The GF though still wants to work things out. I'm a bit suprised as one would think, with direct evidence like that, she'd be out the door. But she's not. In fact she has made a pledge to fight for me. why? I'm evil. I'm a sociopath. And I'm not very well endowed(see below). What could her plan possibly be.

The bit about 'movies about horses' refers to the film 'seabiscuit.' don't go. A more beautifully shot bit of sentimental tripe I can't imagine. It was thourogh going cheesiness embedded in celuliod. I actually laughed out loud at some of the over wrought sentimental dialog. Some folks liked it though. There was clapping and cheering in the parts where Seabiscuit ( and spider man the horse's jockey) triumphed over seemingly insurmountable odds. As I said, it was beautifully put together. Every frame was gorgeous. Every scene interesting to look at. Because I was really wowed by the the movie visually and sicked by the sacharine quality of the story, I'm considering writing an entirely different script to be read over the exisitng one to spice it up a bit. You think Seabiscuit would work as pornography? Perky, sexy horse triumphs over the odds to lay every jockey east of the Misisipi . . . can you see it?


Closer to home, I've been experiencing nausea again lately. For the passed few days I've felt on the verge of throwing up almost constantly. Do you think I could be pregnant, or is it me attempting to expell the last fiber of decency from my body, to make way for all the evil bile I'm producing and casting about into the world?

I have to get to work now. Pray for us all.

STATUS: Depressed,

MY MANIC DEPRESSIVE CYCLE IS SHORTENING AGAIN. I had a talk with MA. I'm not going to talk with her anymore unless I'm up for a struggle. Maybe she doesn't dig me afterall, or maybe since I back slid wih the GF she feels she has the right to be a bit hostile to me. Beats me. We were talking about the unfortunate sex incident Saturday morning and she let me know that I am not as well endowed as her BF. It's not as if I care, really, but the fact the she would say it, would bring it up as an issue, is sort of a pointer to me. Maybe she is a bit more shallow than i'd like to think. She has all these weird reservations about me, Not macho enough, not black, not attractive enough, not well endowed enough. The thing is all of that would be fine and dandy if it seemed true, but it doesn't. They seem like hurtful excuses not to get together.

I know you, Gentle Reader, are probably laughing right now. I'd be laughing too were I you, but the fact is that save for the 'not black enough' part I think I would have known if I had a shortcoming in any of these areas. Not one of my long term or short term sexual liasions ever brought this up. In fact, at least in all my long term relationships, I've always felt like a trophy man. Maybe I'm just fooled completely by flattery. It certainly seemed honest before. I certainly felt virile, masculine and attractive. Why doesn't MA see it? Or if she does see it ( she certainly sees something in me she likes, wants, craves) why won't she just admit it. Why does she poke at me so much? Part of it is that she's mad at me for back sliding with the GF. I know this to be true. Part of it is probably curiousity. How much will I put up with? This is pretty much it, I think. I'm pretty much not going to put up with anymore nonsense ( at least not quietly) What have I got to lose now? All things being equal I have won. I slept with her. I got her all twisted around( and she me). And I went back with my GF. Score. I'm the perfect pig! And I can sleep with her agian. Maybe I should just check out emotionally and let the ole' Evil Twin take over here. Just see how screded up I can get her. She how many times and places I can sleep with her. Maybe start revealing her physical short comings during otherwise tender moments. Won't that be swell. Part of me really wants to do this too. Part of me wants to win this game, but part of me, the part I really like and respect doesn't want this to be a game at all. I still want happily ever after. I just don't see how to get there from here. I don't see it. It's all my own fault I guess. Woe is me.

I think I'll start documenting whether I feel manic or depressive in any given post. Won't that be fun. I'll put it at the top of each post (until I get tired of it)

TTYL

WELL, THINGS HAVE PRETTY MUCH RETURNED TO THE 'NORMAL' I'VE BEEN EXPERIENCING FOR THE PASSED FEW MONTHS. MA and I are still fascinated with each other. She tried to get me to go out with her last night. I refused as I had promised the GF I would be home, and a promise is a promise. As it stands now I guess MA and I will be friends who hug and kiss or whatever for a while. I don't think this situation will be stable. She is quite obviously attracted to me. Her body language screams it, her behavior, though mediated by her rap that she can't leave her BF, confirms this. She calls me ten times a day. She sat in my office nearly all day yesterday, hemming and hawing. 'oh, we should just be friends. oh, we should just have an affair. oh, I should stick with my BF. oh, we should hug. Oh, I love you."

For my part, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm still tremendously attracted to her despite the unfortunate tacky hotel room incident. I still think we could/should be a thing, but since their has been quite a bit of pain associated with her, the relationship, and everything my enthusiasm for deconstructing my life to be with her has wained. Too much back and forth. Too many hurtful little quips. And my GF has been very good to me in general, all along, and especially lately.

So, I'm calling her MA now instead of the Crushee. My crush has now evolved into some sincere, if not unconflicted, form of affection, perhaps even a kind of love. So the moniker 'crushee' no longer fits and besides it has always been a clumsy and unpoetic label. MA sounds much better. I hope she and I can now just slowly get to know each. I feel we will grow closer and closer. I just hope it doesn't hurt too much.

I hope also that I can find the strength to break it off with the GF in a way that I can someday be OK with. That's not too much to ask, is it?

As to the name change for the blog, originally the name was 'examples of poor typing' with the tag line 'refuting darwin one finger at a time' because I thought it was funny to sort of priveledge the clumsy poorly proofread ( if at all) form over the just as clumsy, poorly thought out content. But since the content of this blog more or less soley concerns my behavior with respect to my personal romatic life I thought that the title of this blog should reflect that.

Here's the thing. All this talk and worry about doing the right thing about behaving in a decent manner is all just talk. No matter what I say, what dialog goes on inside my head, I end up doing whatever my amoral libidinal self wants to do. Sure, it makes me feel guilty. Sure, I feel like an ass over it. Sure, I have regrets, but I do these things anyway. I make promises to myself that I'll behave better, but I don't and I won't. I know this. My mind and body is occupied by a pair of twins, one is me the self that is writing to you now. I'm the good one. If you know me and love me, you love my good twin. You probably suspect that there is another side, you know that sometimes the things I say and do have this taint of the insincere about them. Whatver I say is wry, sarcastic and fundamentally dishonest. My good self does most of the talking, though I suspect the reason I say things has more to do with what my other, darker self wants than any agenda my (much preferred) good self might have. The other twin that I share my mind and body with is the one that is really in control; that's the evil twin. I ( my speaking voice, the 'I' referred to here is my good twin , get it? My evil twin will always be 'he', 'it' or 'my darker self.' I must maintain that separation after all ) do whatever my evil twin tells me and then try to clean up whatever mess it makes in my free time. You, gentle reader, are my only confident. You are the only one who will know that I am a poor forked thing. A marrionette of a distant master and that master is my evil twin. This blog will serve to document the comings and goings of my twins. I will try to give evidence of my evil twin's wrong doing so that perhaps when I die I won't have to go straight to the lowest pit of hell. Is that too much to ask? Do you still love me, Gentle Reader? Do I deserve it?

QUITE A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, GENTLE READER. Though in all honesty not all that much has changed. All of this pointless hurry and scurry to little effect. I took a sledge hammer to my life this weekend. A couple of good swings. i intended to really break things up, but I gave up quickly. A quick and fragmentary run down may be in order. Ready?

Broke up with GF on thursday. Went out with Crushee ( Henceforth referred to as MA in this blog) on Friday twice ( at lunch, then again that night and into Saturday moring) Slept with the MA in the wee hours Saturday. Vowed never to do that again. slunk back home to the GF. Made up with her. didn't sleep .Family gathering on Saturday at my house. ran around like crazy getting ready(shop,cook, clean). returned to normal ( except for my newly heightened anxiety) Sunday. Today, I'm backsliding again I guess. Good thing I called in sick.

Or not such a good thing maybe. because up until now I'd been bored and uncomfortable ( i'm so glad you could stop by)

what to say here?

The sleeping with MA thing was a disaster. My fault really. I put pressure on her, even though I was a wreck, even though I could tell she wasn't 100 percent, it didn't matter to me at the time. we had to drive around for an hour to find a hotel room with a vacancy ( tacky room, AC didn't work well, TV not at all) The sex itself was sort of strange and indifferent. There was too much between us. I was too tired. The place sucked. (note to self: never ever do the tacky hotel thing with anyone other then a one night stand, 'if you care don't go there,' that's my new motto) the timing was terrible. We both tried politely though. Gave it the old college try. Tried to pleasure the other as best we could ( sort of) Afterwards we vowed to never do it again. MA seemed to find renewed interest in her BF. I guess he should thank me for that. I was appalled at the whole thing afterward. Embarrased by my behavior ( not that I wasn't warm, witty, and cordial thoroughout but that night mine was a graciousness born out of want. The strategems of a used car salesman) and dismayed at how hurtful to everyone I am being. I decided to stop poking and prodding at MA. To leave her the hell alone. To not impose on her anymore. My fanatic attention is upsetting ( and fascinating and flattering) her. To fix things between us so we could live and work without worry and strife ( whatever strife is)

And my GF too. I was going to fix things with my GF.

Of course now, Monday, after calling in sick ( a mental health day) things look different. I should have stuck to my guns over breaking up with the GF. I shouldn't have slunk back to her. But everything is so nice and normal now. She loves me, I love her. I don't have to worry about it now. I can't tell you how releived i was to tell her that we sould stay together. That breaking up with her would be a mistake. Why don't I know what to do? Why can't I do it?

And MA, I talked to her today, and though nothing specific was said, I can tell she wants to proceed in some way in a relationship with me. Much slower surely. But she is still interested. I still hear the caring in her voice. She wants me around. (she even said, of the sex, next time we should have a bottle of wine first. I assume she was joking mostly) She wants me to be happy. It matter if I like her. it matters to her how she treats me. I want her around too. I care about her too. What a mess.

So now we are two people in separate failing(failed, renewed, crumbled, restored, extended, detroyed) relationships who have sort of abortive faliled relationship between them, but ( and here's the kicker folks) who still want sometihng from each other.

What will happen next? A bit later I may return and explain the name change thing on this blog and perhaps the name change thing with MA, formally refered to as the Crushee.

'old stone to new builidings
old timber to new fire
Old fires to ash
and ashes to the earth '


Part of Eliot's East Coker, misquoted from memory.

SO THE CRUSHEE CLAIMS I'M A POST MODERN MALE. She means it as a complment, I'm sure, but what prompted her to say it was not very complementary. What she means by it, according to her, is that she sees me as an 'Individualist.' That is I seek my identity from places other then family, church or society. That I am pretty much continuosly occupied with self conscoiusly builidng and rebuilidng myself and my world view. She thinks my views on race and culture are some how enlightened too. Beats me.

I know that unlike many people I think about stuff a lot. I look at myself a lot. I don't lead an unexamined life ( not that this fascination with the social, moral, and perosnal implications of my existance and actions have helped me any)This whole blog thing is obviously an opportunity for me to do some naval worshipping. What propmpted her to say it was that she says she thought I was gay when we first met, but then realized the characterisitics she took as gay were really post modern ( agian whatver that means). It was my mannerisms, my mode of dress( I always iron my shirts very carefully) and likely my occupation and education ( obviously every male who holds an advanced humanities degree works in the field of communications is gay ). It's not the first time people have said it either. Obviously I got it like any other nerd/weirdo/creep in school. Kids pick up on that stuff imediately. I've also gotten it as an adult. Many times from girls I've ended up dating. Mostly though they say sometihng like they wondered if I was gay, and then saw/heard me do/say sometihng that marked me as straight( much to there relief, usually if they are telling me the story) Not so with the crushee. She assumed I was gay and then was suprised to find out I have a GF.

Part of me knows she is just teasing me. Tormenting me. Not wanting to give me too much. That's fine. As the youngest of five children, as a runt, and a nerd and an outcast ( or a loner, at this point i'm pretty sure society (whateverinthehell that is) would accept me if I wanted its acceptance thus I can't really call myself an outcast) I'm pretty good at taking teasing, at laughing at myself. also I think overly or self consciously macho guys in general are stupid, cruel and boring. And if someone feels the need to sort people out as gay/straight black/white or whatever, i'd prefer to be in the 'other' category so they wouldn't expect me to share any of their silly, shallow, and fruitless notions of difference and superiority.

Part of me thinks it is funny that she thought that I was gay considering how things have turned out. Think about it. From the way she is behaving( and shes not faking folks, she is definitly out of control) her fondest wish is to have sex with a gay guy. Driven to distraction by a homo. Madly in love/lust with a panty waist. Serves her right.

At bottom though I don't think I act gay, whatever that might mean. I think people, the crushee included simply missaply their gay stereotypes to my behavior. They think that the root of my non macho characteristics are some barely restrained feminity on my part. Not so. I'm just not strutting around trying to assert my manhood. I'm an alpha male who doesn't feel threatened by the host of beta males(from my perspective) that snap at my heels. At this point in my life proving myslef in the sexual pecking order ( hehehe 'sexual pecking order') isn't even a question for me. Clearly, if you know me, I'm male through and through. It will serve her right ( and well, and it will make her happy, and perhaps even educate her a bit on what non posing men are really like) as she slowly discovers just how masculine my behavoir is.

Whatever. I guess. i'm cranky and tired again Today. Thumping my hollow chest, stomping my tiny feet, asserting my manhood. I'm doing the very thing I was just ridiculing. Oh, the irony of it all.

The GF woke me at three in the morning wanting to talk. I couldn't stay wake, wouldn't talk , didn't want to get all worked up and mad or whatever, but still I didn't really sleep after that. We went to bed around 11 so that's four hours sleep. Whoo hoo. 4 hours sleep and a hundred page dissertation to edit. yeah. fun fun fun.

Maybe I'll check back later if I have any other witticisms or observations , born of sleep deprivation, to share with you today, Oh Gentle Reader.

MY MEETING WENT FINE YESTERDAY, in case you were worried. I actually did have quite a bit to say and even had done some work specific to the topic recently so I could brief the group on that. This is almost too easy.

The GF and I talked till late in the night last night. Nothing resolved, except I really feel like crap - still, more, and again.

The crushee is off today, working on a paper, so I won't see her. Just as well I suppose. Things are getting hot and heavy between us now. It's a weird dynamic for me. Breaking up with the GF, trying to seduce or convince or capture or engage or whatever the crusheee. not feeling very good about any of it.

I'm at the worst place in two relationships. I know I deserve it heartily, richly and completely. Still the fact that I deserve it doesn't make it any less painful. I'm breaking up with the GF, whom I love and respect and adore. That's obviosuly hurtful. Also the thing with the crushee is at the painful, 'Uh Oh, I'm now vulnerable to a stranger' phase.

Poor me. On the other hand if you think about it I'm in the freaking pink. I've got two smart attractive and funny women falling all over me. Wanting to be with me, wanting to have sex with me, whatever I want. I'm the object of thier affection, desire and adoration.They live to serve. I should count my lucky freaking stars.

Man, my stomache hurts. An ulcer is born.

NOT MUCH TO SAY TODAY. All statuses are the same as they have been. I'm feeling a little spacey from lack of food I think. I've been on short rations for weeks and I think perhaps my tremendous store of sugar and fat is starting to get depleted or maybe I just should've drank my second cup of coffee today.

I'm tired of talking about the thing with my GF and my crushee again. Tired of thinking about it.


I've got a meeting to go to in a few. I'm afriad I'll be forced to speak or something. That will be difficult. Usually, when I feel like this, I can just sort of zone out and make it clear that I'm a non-contributor. Doubt it will work today. it surrounds one of my primary job functions. I should be more enthusiastic but i'm tired. Oh well. How bad can it be?

Do they sell coma pills I wonder? Today I'd like to be in a coma for a couple of weeks. Just sort of let things blow over a bit. wake up after the storm passes. That sort of thing.

My gentle readers have not been doing their jobs again. I asked all sorts of questions below and never got a response. i guess they too are tired of hearing about it. This blog has devolved from me occasional posting occasionally witty riffs about the weather, words, and my life to this one long complaint about my romantic life, how complicated it has become and just what the hell I think I'm going to do about it. Completely understandable that my reader response has been poor. Oh well, maybe I can find a blogging partner and we can do this is debate format. Someone willing to write back. Whatever.

I gotta go. I'm on in five.

MAN. THE CRUSHEE HAS GONE LOVE CRAZY. I suspected she was starting to like me but she'd been resisting. Not so today. She stopped by my office this AM and brought me a bottle of water ( to serve my nutritional needs, I seldom eat lunch and i often substitute water or coffee for it) There were people in the office suite that my space is in , so we couldn't really talk. I was really afraid she'd used the weekend to build up her defenses, but apparently not. she said she'd spent all Saturday doing just that, steeling herself against me, talking herself out of me, etc. but Sunday, She says, Sunday, when faced with the prospect of coming back to work her defenses apparently crumbled. We talked for a bit on the phone, exchanged some work related emails and then decided in the afternoon to take a walk around campus, which turned into us, parking in her car and making out for a half hour. We very nearly went too far, in broad daylight, on a parking lot on campus. this is not playing it cool.

She was much more passionate today then she been on Friday. She definitely is falling, has fallen for me. Says she never felt this way before, essentially I think she'll do whatever I ask her to now. This may pass. we both have obstacles. My girlfriend, her boyfriend, our jobs. These obstacles seem pretty trivial right now when weighed against the possibilities of the firm horizontal.

The physical thing has now become foremost in our minds I think. I guessed it though. As soon as we kissed we were doomed. It was the beginning of the end. She, by the way, is an excellent kisser. In case you were wondering. she also has roaming hands . . .

All of my girlfriends have always been like that, out of control, after a while. Are all women like this? I thought guys were supposed to be driven by lust and girls by love or something. I'm not complaining. Anything that gives me power is OK with me. The sexual will give way to the emotional and spiritual, I feel certain. It's just that sex is tangible and real. Something we can believe in right away, while we try to build our confidence in things of substance, right?

TOLD THE GF ABOUT THE CRUSHEE LAST NIGHT. Went pretty much as I expected, lots of crying on both sides, I guess. I'm pretty upset today. I'm such an ass. As I guessed too this won't be a clean break, maybe no break at all. I really can't see us breaking up, can't see myself doing, but who knows what's around the corner.

The thing is I went out to drinks with the Crushee and we ended up making out for like an hour in her car. This puts me home 3 hours late from work with absolutely no plan for what to tell the GF other than the truth. So that is what I did. or at least an abbreviated version of it.

I mean I didn't sing the crushee's praises
I didn't really convey how much I lead events up to here.
And finally, ( and by the time I was actually talking to my GF and shevas crying and upset, this was true) I told her that I wanted to stay with her.

I guess I'm down for the affair. Though I think I have the order mixed up. I think you're suppose to cheat first and then confess later, not vice versa. The crushee wants that really. An affair. She just wants to have sex with me. I'm not sure where this will lead. She doesn't like the fact that I'm white ( this suprised me, I guess, I've never seen it as an issue) She says I'm not her type. And yet, there we were, making out.

I'm really not a nice person anymore.

SO IN CASE YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK I moved into the depressive pole of my manic/depressive cycle. It could very well be low blood suger. I didn't eat today and didn't eat much last night or the day before or the day before that for that matter. I don't really have the energy for this. i feel like I've had a toothache forever. The pain has worn me down. I'm tired of decisions and indecisions, visions and revisons, I'm tired of it. i've tried to call someone, a phone buddy, anyone to distract me, but it hasn't worked. Nobody is taking my calls. I can't blame them either. I wonder if I could get a contract on my life, that wouldn't be suicide, that would be leaving the decision to fate, wouldn't it? Just kidding. I'm joking. I'm a kidder. I like to kid.

I going to have a drink after work with the Crushee. we'll see how that goes. We'll see ohw my abscence goes over with my GF. Probably not too well. This is the beginning of the end to be sure.

I'M FEELING A LITTLE QUEASY TODAY FOLKS. I think I drank too many beers last night. Not that I was all drunk and disorderly or anything I just drank myself to sleep. As my fathers says, ‘if you hoot with the owls you have to fly with the eagles.’ I’m not sure why that is though I mean I never see owls and eagles flying together. I’m pretty sure owls sleep all day or something.

Anyway people aren’t owls. So here I am flying with the eagles more or less and, as I said, I feel a bit queasy. My usual mug o’ triple strength coffee from my cheap little espresso machine should help the queasiness. I took some ibuprofen too. Soon, I’ll be well on my way to recovery. I wish there were something I could do about my squinty raccoon eyes, though. Make up perhaps? Should I wear make up? Perhaps not. I’ll just hold my eyes open real wide all day and try to stare intently at people. That should work

I got some real work to do so I can't pay too much attention to you today probably.

I asked some unanswered questions in the posts below. I’d appreciate some feedback. You, my gentle reader, are not holding up your end of the bargain. I realize most of my posts are pretty long, and rambling and some of them are even a bit pointless. But I always try to throw in a little nugget of wisdom, joy or humor in each and every post. Something to help you get through the day. It’s all about you, gentle reader.